Hey, Flyers fans! My name’s Nate. I’m a former contributor at The Broad Street Bully Podcast website. You may have heard of them, they make the best Philadelphia Flyers podcast (new episodes every Thursday). I used to write articles for them. They were excellent. In fact, they were so good they no longer exist. You’re not allowed to read them. Not because I don’t want you to, rather they’ve been scrubbed from the public record. My legal representation has instructed me not to divulge the details as many of my articles contained classified and/or redacted reports of unidentified flying objects from clandestine government operation Kelley Blue Book. Let’s just say my articles may or may not be sitting on a pallet, in a warehouse, somewhere in the Nevada desert.
But enough about the government trying to silence me and suppress my work. Let’s Catch up with the Flyers. What have they been up to lately? That wasn’t a rhetorical question: I’ve been living under a rock since February. Ever since that crazy flu thing was announced, I’ve been hiding out in my fully secured fortified underground bunker in my Mom’s basement. I’m even social distancing from my Mom except for when I need a lift to my blindfolded skeet shooting league. To be honest, I probably would have been shut in any way, regardless of the pandemic, but I’ve been extra careful during my transactions with the pizza delivery guy just to be safe.
Anyway, I’m just now catching up on lots of Flyers news and updates, and wow! It looks like I missed out on a lot! I would’ve stayed up to date had my bunghole-of-a-neighbor not changed his WiFi password after we had a heated argument about whether or not Paw Patrol was filmed on location in Canada. Like on all matters, he’s an idiot and wrong.
So here’s a recap of all the Flyers news and tidbits you may have missed. So lets start catching up with the Flyers:
Chris Pronger Gave Away Some Jerseys Nobody Wanted
The former Flyers captain took to Instagram to tease a big announcement. And much to our chagrin, he was announcing a merch giveaway. Basically a bunch of old Pronger shirseys nobody wanted were taking up space in a closet at the Wells Fargo Center and had to go. Big whoop! This reveal was about as fun as taking a stick directly to the eye. Just send them to starving kids on another continent already, Chris.
Ghost Could Be a Valuable Trade Asset this Summer
But I could’ve told you that months ago. After cementing himself as the ‘bad boy’ in the Flyers locker room these last few seasons, Shayne Gostisbehere has been notably absent. Absent on the score sheet, and lately, absent from the line-up. He’s got a reputation to uphold, and he isn’t taking anyone’s shiz-nit (pardon my French).
Inside sources tell me that it was Ghost’s dangerous obsession with leather jackets and motorcycles that led to the Flyers’ demise under Hakstol and Hextall. Not true. It was actually Dave Hakstol’s obsession with water-skiing that led to their demise.
Coach Alain Vigneault Nominated for the Jack Adams Award
Personally, I hated that movie, and it made me think much less of Robin Williams and children’s’ doctors. Why anyone would base an NHL award on it is a mystery to me. If I ever have to see that movie again I’m going to hang myself.
The Flyers signed Mark Friedman to a 2-year extension
I don’t know much about this guy so I won’t waste too much time on him. All I know is that Ghost continues to be the odd man out on most nights, sitting comfily in the press box, eating popcorn and playing Angry Birds on his phone. But even that spot in the press box might not be safe anymore. If Mark Friedman can avoid Ghost’s mistakes of never being able to hit the net and being locker room cancer, he could soon find himself eating popcorn and playing Angry Birds. Good luck and godspeed, Mark.
Oskar Lindblom is Back and Skating again
Everyone’s very happy to see him doing well. What’s concerning is that a certain somebody whose name rhymes with “Bowlin’ Rat Dick” still has yet to post a positive update on his lingering health issues. It’s been a full calendar year since he last played a hockey game. Is he damaged goods? Is his career over? Did we get ripped off at the draft AGAIN? Which team of quack doctors did they even assign to his case? The ones from that piece of crap movie Jack Adams? He should know better than to trust doctors in clown shoes. I’m going to refer him to my personal physicians, they’ve helped me with sore butt problems more times than I can remember.
Personally, I blame Ron Hextall for not trading up to get the Devils’ 1st overall pick so he could draft Nolan Patrick earlier. Then my disappointment would be even greater, and I’d have even more reason to be angry with him after the debacle that was his tenure as Flyers GM. Go to hell, Ron.
For more Catching up with the Flyers click here.