Lehigh Valley Phantoms Mid-Season Progress Report

Hello Flyers fans! Happy new year! It’s been a while since I last spoke with you. I’ll be honest, I’ve been on an extended Christmas vacation in a Tijuana drunk tank. What I thought was a chance to score unbelievably discounted tickets to a Billie Eilish concert turned out to be something much more sinister: According to my federale captors, it’s illegal to be audience to an erotic donkey show. Why Billie, or her tour manager José, would trick me into seeing something so incriminating has made me re-think my Billie Eilish fandom. I don’t buy that the donkey had anything to do with her act, and the woman that took the stage to romance her quadrupedal compadre didn’t even walk out to a Billie song! They played Shakira’s Hips Don’t Lie, followed by The Police’s Roxanne, which was fitting since I was unknowingly about to be the
Nate Urzua
Nate Urzua



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